


Petit à petit, l’oiseau fait son nid

by s0ymilk



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Post-Canon, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 14:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13101831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0ymilk/pseuds/s0ymilk
Summary: Jean wants to be worthy of Jeremy’s gaze. But Jean is a broken thing, and there’s not anything in the world that can fix him enough to be worthy of Jeremy.





	Petit à petit, l’oiseau fait son nid

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a silly short thing that was intended as a gift for an exchange, but somebody accepted the prompt before I did. Rating is for mentions of abuse (compliant with Nora's post about Jean's time at the Nest) and an unhealthy relationship with suicide. 
> 
> Title is a French saying that translates to, "Little by little, the bird makes its nest".

“Come on, Jean, it’ll be really fun! I promise my family is super nice. We can make pancakes and go to some museums and see the ocean!” 

_ The ocean.  _ Jean flashes back to a dark room and Riko’s grinning face as he leans over him, cloth in hand. Jean sucks in a breath, knowing objectively that he’s getting air just fine, but it feels like his lungs are filling with fluid. The scars on his wrists twinge. His chest burns. 

“No.” he grits out. The hopeful expression on Jeremy’s face falls. Jean turns away so he doesn’t have to see it, but stops when a tentative hand touches his shoulder. 

“I don’t want you to be alone on Christmas, Jean. I know things have been really hard for you this semester and I think this could help. Please.” 

Jean shrugs the hand off his shoulder and walks away without looking back. 

‘Hard’ is an understatement for what this semester has been like. He’s been at USC since June, and on really bad days he thinks longingly of returning to the Nest. The rest of the Trojans hate him, call him arrogant and cold and robotic, and they don’t listen when he tells them how to improve their game. USC’s standards are much higher, enough that he’s just barely keeping from academic probation. The student body is vapid and annoying. Jean spends so much time gritting his teeth he goes to bed each night with a jaw ache. 

Jeremy is the worst of the lot. He and Jean share a room, and Jean swears the man wakes up and goes to bed without losing his sunny smile. He’s constantly badgering Jean - is he okay? Does he need anything? How are classes? Does Jean want to go to the movies with him? Jean is used to being around other people - he was never alone as a Raven - but he’s also used to being  _ unseen,  _ a thing to used or ignored rather than a person. It turns out the hardest part to get used to after his years at the Nest is having to actively exist a full 24 hours a day. 

Jean’s feet take him, on auto pilot, to a campus building south of the Trojan’s dorm and then up the stairs inside to the top floor. He slips out a window, climbs the fire escape, and ends up on the roof of the five-story building, overlooking the soccer fields and the whole west side of campus. It’s not until he can look around and see he’s totally alone that he can finally  _ breathe.  _

Jeremy wants him to stay with his family in San Diego over the winter break. Jean knows a lot about Jeremy’s home life, because Jeremy’s always skyping one family member or another. He has ten -  _ ten -  _ brothers and sisters, all older, and a whole mess of nieces, nephews, and extended family, all of which he appears to be close to. Jean’s been introduced via computer screen to many of them, but he can’t keep them straight or remember any of their names. 

If Jean were to go home with him for Christmas, he would have to deal with them.  _ Stay  _ with them. They’d ask him questions about his family, his life, what he did before USC and why his arms are covered in scars and why he never talks and - 

Jean stops. Takes a breath. His feet are dangling over the edge of the building; he leans forward and looks down, focusing on how far away the ground is. 

Jean doesn’t have control over much. Under Riko he’d been property to be used and exploited. But one thing he does have control over is his life. That had been his coping mechanism for as long as he can remember - even somebody as fucked up as Jean can realize it’s not a healthy one, but most days it’s the only thing that works. 

If it becomes too much, Jean could just... fall forward and leave all this behind. But he doesn’t need to do that just yet. He can make it one more day. Feeling his heartbeat slow, he settles back and looks out at the Los Angeles skyline. 

\--

Jean ends up stealing a change of clothes from the Trojan’s locker room and going to the gym, then stopping by the dining hall for dinner. By the time he gets back to the dorms, it’s nearly eight o’clock, and he’s been gone for over six hours. He expects the place to be empty - he and Jeremy had been the last ones left after Dermott and Alvarez had left for the airport - but is surprised to find that the door to their room is open, and Jeremy is laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. 

Uncharacteristically, he feels the need to say something. “I figured you’d be gone by now.” 

Jeremy sits up and smiles at him, but it’s not much of a smile, too strained at the edges and not reaching his eyes. It looks… wrong. Jean doesn’t want to see Jeremy smiling like that. 

“Oh, actually, uh… I decided to stay here at the dorm over the break.” Jeremy looks at him, then adds hurriedly, “But if you want some space, Laila told me I can sleep in her and Alvarez’s room. I don’t want to crowd you or anything.” 

_ Merde alors.  _ Whatever peace Jean had found between the gym and the rooftop, it disappears in a flash. He throws his keys on his desk harder than necessary, startling Jeremy when they clatter loudly. 

“Why won’t you leave me alone? Do you think I want you changing your plans for me? I told you to go visit your fucking family and  _ leave me be. _ ” Jean slips into an incoherent mess of French curse words. Jeremy looks stricken by his anger, and the pang of guilt in Jean’s chest at causing that morphs into even more vehement rage. “You don’t have to pretend to care about me just to keep up your image. Look around - there’s nobody else here.” 

“ _ Jean.”  _ that isn’t Jeremy’s usual voice - that’s his captain’s voice, the one that stops fights on the court and gets his players to quiet down and pay attention. Jean has had obedience beaten into him so many times that falling silent at that tone is second nature. Jeremy lets the silence reign for a few long moments, then takes a deep breath and continues speaking. 

“It isn’t an act, Jean. I care about you.  _ You,  _ as a person, not as a player or as a roommate or anything else. And besides that, I like you. You’re funny, and smart, and kind when you want to be, and I hate it when you’re hurting and I can’t do anything to help. And if we go the entire winter break without even talking to each other, that’s okay. But I won’t abandon you. I want to be here if you need me.” 

It had taken Jean months to look at Jeremy without seeing Riko in his place. Riko’s dangerous smile, his violent hands, his cruel laugh. He still sees him sometimes, when Jeremy moves too fast, or grabs his wrist, or the time Jean had woken up to Jeremy standing over him as he lay in bed, and Jean had smacked his head into the wall so hard he’d nearly given himself a concussion. 

He doesn’t see a trace of Riko here. Just Jeremy’s soft hazel eyes, his tactile and ever gentle hands locked firmly behind his back, his lower lip raw from the way he chews on it when he’s worried. 

Jean doesn’t know what Jeremy sees when he looks at him. Jean fears that whatever it is, it’s not enough. Jean wants to be worthy of Jeremy’s gaze. But Jean is a broken thing, and there’s not anything in the world that can fix him enough to be worthy of Jeremy. 

“Why do you care so much?” he asks quietly. His voice is rougher than he would like. Judging by the way Jeremy frowns, he hadn’t missed that. 

“Because….” Jeremy trails off, then steps up into Jean’s space. Jean freezes reflexively at the nearness of him. Slowly, as if Jean is a wild animal he might spook, Jeremy lifts a hand to Jean’s face and cradles his cheek. One of his fingers rests lightly on the scarred section of Jean’s jaw that had never healed right after one of Riko’s attacks. Jeremy’s touch is so light that he can’t even feel the pressure of it along the scar, though the rest of his fingers threaten to send a shiver down Jean’s back. 

Jeremy moves so slowly that the first touch of his lips to Jean’s is barely a kiss at all. He draws back, breath warm against Jean’s skin, then presses forward again. He tastes like cheap strawberry chapstick and his lips are softer than Jean had imagined they would be. Maybe his earlier comparison had been right, because Jean feels an awful lot like a deer frozen in headlights right now, unable to do much more than stand still and let Jeremy kiss him. 

Jeremy leans back and draws his hand away from Jean. Then he steps back out of Jean’s space and shoves his hands into his pockets, looking down and away from Jean completely. 

“I didn’t think it would be fair to put that on you with how much you’re dealing with right now, but even more than that I don’t want you to think that this is all some kind of act or something. So. Yeah. Sorry?” 

Jeremy likes him. Jeremy, who has tan skin and unruly blonde hair bleached by the sun and laughs like waves crashing against the shore,  _ likes  _ him. And he thinks that’s something to  _ apologize for.  _

Jean steps forward, grabs Jeremy by the shoulders, and kisses him so hard Jeremy squeaks in surprise. The surprised sound quickly turns into a gasp as Jean nips at his lower lip. Jeremy wraps one of his callused hands across the back of Jean’s neck and then slides it up to tangle in his hair, the other settling on Jean’s hip. Jean licks his way into Jeremy’s mouth and thinks,  _ I would put up with every one of Jeremy’s family members for the next ten years if I can have this.  _

Later, when they’re sprawled across the couch in the common room watching some bad Hallmark channel movie, Jean wraps his hand around one of the feet in his lap and rubs his thumb across Jeremy’s ankle lightly. Jeremy, half-asleep, opens his eyes and smiles softly at Jean (and Jean thinks, that smile is  _ real  _ and it’s for him). He seems to have forgiven Jean for their fight earlier, but Jean still feels the need to explain himself, especially with Jeremy smiling at him like that. 

“I didn’t want to visit your family because I… don’t think I can handle that many people. I can barely handle being around the Trojans for more than a couple hours.” 

Jeremy snorts in amusement and flexes his foot. He’s got nice feet, shapely and with toes long enough that he can pinch people with them (Alvarez is his usual target, because they watch bad sci-fi movies together in the common room). Jean digs his thumb into the arch of Jeremy’s foot and smiles slightly as Jeremy’s amusement turns into a pleased groan. 

“They can be pretty overwhelming.” Jeremy admits. “I guess I’m just used to it, so I forget how hard it is for other people to deal with.” 

“...maybe we could go down for a weekend?” Jean offers tentatively, after a moment of silence. Jeremy blinks, then sits up and scoots next to him on the couch so he can lace their fingers together. He looks sleepy and happy and Jean never wants to let him go. 

“That would be great. We could even just go for a day and drive back afterwards. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” 

Jeremy falls asleep on the couch halfway through the movie with his fingers still intertwined with Jean’s. Jean studies his features, softened in sleep, still tasting the ghost of strawberry chapstick on his lips. Jean is still a broken thing, and doesn’t know if he’ll ever be more than that, but in that moment, he realizes that for the first time in his life, he wants to try. 


End file.
